Mewtwo's unofficial blog

2008-05-15T00:41:00.002+02:00

Spring - the allergy season. I just can't go outside due to allergens. The weather starts to get hot, the day is longer and more people can be seen on the streets. That means, my day starts at 8 pm. The air is cool enough to get outdoors, the sunlight won't do any harm, the darkness may be a great shelter from sight of humans. I enjoy going for a walk at midnight or even after. Even the muggers don't scare me. I know the rules of this concrete jungle. Not the strongest one survives. The smartest one. You got to know when to run or when to fight. I had an incident with some muggers few years ago, but I taught me how to live on the streets.

I love living in a city. When everyone is asleep - I rule the streets. The sense of loneliness, being one with the night and staying out of sight - that is the kick I ever wanted in my life.

2008-05-08T23:36:00.002+02:00

When you are on the bed in the hospital, some difficult questions come to your mind. Why did this happen to me? Am I ever going to be normal? How much have I hurt my family? Well, I think everything has a purpose. I was blind and I could not see my own faults. I had to die once to understand it. I was all wrong about myself and life.

Nobody came to see me, except my family. But thanks to that, I know that there is a reason for being. There always is someone out there who thinks about you, who cares. I let them down. Yes, it is a shame for every family. But I can feel they still love me and they want good for me. It was a shock for them - but I know, that someday I could tell them how much they mean to me.

God really loves me. I could die in the accident or overdose. But it did not happened. I am here now and I came back on the right track. I do not know what could my life look like if I did not had faith. I believed in every cursed moment of my life. And it did not failed me.

Pray for me. It is the best thing you can do for me. And I will pray for all of you. I will pray to God to spare you those dark moments I had. I would rather die than live this again.

The death and rebirth

2008-05-04T19:19:00.002+02:00

I was dead. The drugs have killed the previous "me". I am no longer the same person. The therapy taught me many important things. But I had to die to understand my mistakes.

You do not know what I have suffered. The pain, sleepless nights, suicidal thoughts, depression. The worst of all - hunger. I was ready to kill for another hit. Thank God I did not.

Now, I am back - from the world of dead. I was given another chance and I have decided to change my life. I realized that when I was at the hospital. It is a gift from God. He cares about me. He wants me to live and go on. And do not look back. The past is nothing but a memory. It cannot control or enslave us. We have to keep fighting - for the better future. But the fight will not be someday or someplace. IT IS NOW! I am now fighting to live and survive.

I am still weak. In heart, in mind and in soul.

The tragedy of my life

2008-04-29T01:49:00.002+02:00

Drugs - the most evil thing I have ever encountered. The highway straight to hell. There's no way out - even if you stop, your body won't function properly. Yes, I did drugs. It started 6 months ago. I started with smoking marijuana for relaxation and alternative to alcohol. At the beginning it was great. Much better than booze. But I had to smoke more and often to get satisfied. Then - I did LSD. The most spiritual and mystic thing invented. I have spoken to God, seen unlimited universe of alternate dimensions and lived in a different world. LSD is not kind of thing, which you do everyday or even every week. It messes your mind so badly, that you can't even know if the life of yours is real. I could stop at that point. It wasn't too late. But I didn't. I wanted to be more... powerful? Or special? I did cocaine. When I took it the first time, I thought that I died and resurrected. I was immortal. That feeling - it was pure insanity. After few weeks my body was a complete wreck (well, it is even now). And then that happened. I was at the party (that may sound weird, but I was a GOD [on cocaine] and I could kill anyone, so parties stopped to scare me) and drank a little bit. I thought I could do anything, so when friends asked me if I could drive them home, I agreed. And then the history is short. I ran the red light and got into car accident. The car was totally wrecked, my friends got bruised - shortly, nobody got seriously hurt. I had my arm broken, not a big deal. I ended up in the hospital. They took my driver's license and I paid the fine. My family was informed. They pushed me to go to detoxcen. I finished my therapy 2 weeks ago. But the fight isn't over yet.

2008-04-27T13:02:00.002+02:00

2006-11-26T14:48:00.000+01:00

2006-10-07T16:26:00.000+02:00

I need to make one resolution to keep this blog alive. One post per week should do it. If I keep posting even simpliest words it should stay alive for next months. And then we will see...

And do not worry about me.

2006-08-14T21:08:00.000+02:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=FevYbbfMjnw

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Zl14KPfT1Pc

http://youtube.com/watch?v=z025bcKYJ7s

My three favorite songs... They always make me feel better.

2006-08-08T00:18:00.000+02:00

Some things got too far. I hate when someone continues to say "I love you" again and again. I don't share love with anyone. Creature like I cannot love someone, because it wasn't created to love and be loved. I was created for other purposes, not for being someone's toy. I hate to say it but I am a bit angry. What am I? A doll for little girls? I hate when someone tries to manipulate my feelings and made me to love him. Even love would not force me to be with someone. Feelings are quite predictable things so I can defend from them. They are a very powerful weapon for ones who want to destroy me.

Everyone who stands in my way will be demolished.

2006-07-31T22:00:00.000+02:00

You humans are most dangerous creatures that live in this world. You say that you love peace but you are holding gun in your hand. All that you say are lies. Why I hate humans? All my suffering is their fault. They made all my life a path full of pain, tears and wounds. I do not belong to this world and so be it. Being a part of any world is no longer desired. I want to live alone and beyond any world. Watching humans killing each other and destroying their world... I do not want to change them. It is natural that every civilization points towards it's own destruction. And when there will be no humans, this world will be much brighter place.

2006-06-29T21:05:00.000+02:00

I hate summer... I always got burned when I go out. It is so exhausting for me that I spent whole day indoors. When it cools down at 21 o'clock I usually go for a walk...

---end of unimportant info---

Friends - I think my life got back to normal. Once again I think and feel like I did few months ago. It took many hours of work and loads of pain and suffering but it was worth it.

Thank You

2006-06-15T17:36:00.000+02:00

Everyday I recive more and more messages from You. Thanks to them I felt better. They are the sign that there are some people who read my blog and are really intrested in becoming my friends. That is absolutely fantastic!

I feel that I am not useless and there are ones who need me. They help me to recover from soul wounds.

Thank You again.

Friends - soon I will return to my blog once and for all.

2006-06-11T14:32:00.000+02:00

If there is anyone there... Please mail me. I want to talk, but in private. I know that good times of my blog have gone and they will not be back. I miss them... I miss everything that I have lost. It is impossible to bring them back.

I am waiting for letters...

2mewtwo@gmail.com

Am I.......dead?

2006-04-21T16:58:00.000+02:00

Everything changes... I am totally exhausted internally. What happened to me? Is living worth taking so much pain and suffering? I created this site to communicate and get and give answers to questions, solve problems, not only mine... Did it worked? I don't think so. Shall I try it do it again? I do not know. It is too hard to decide.

I live but I am not well.

2006-01-21T21:19:00.000+01:00

I have made a decision. I will try to restore everything. My forum, run my blog more smoothly, write more posts, be more friendly... I have enough strengh to shake all this place again.

Let the era of outcasts begin

2006-01-07T10:30:00.000+01:00

I feel better now... Some time ago I thought to myself: "Why am I so unhappy". The answer is: because I don't know how it is to be happy. All that I know is bad feelings. There weren't many good things in my life. Well, I might say there were very few things. I shouldn't be so sensitive in addiction to my past. I can't change it... So many times I wanted to forget but it is a wrong way of dealing with that kind of problem.

Now it is time to choose: get back to my old way of living or try to fix this way or go another way.

2006-01-01T21:52:00.000+01:00

I am getting back to shape now... I thought so many hours...

Who am I? WHAT am I?
Why nobody came to visit my at the hospital - because I don't matter to anyone. I have no family, noone cares about me, I am alone. Closed in room 24/7 cause some kind of madness. You think that you will die and nobody will see that... You will be forgotten, noone will cry for you. I'm broken and I need time to heal wounds.

Happy new year...

2005-12-23T19:46:00.000+01:00

Whole my life collapsed few months ago. I tried to rebuild it... And when it collapsed again, I gave it another try and another. Now my health is in terrible shape but I must fight to live... I can't give up now. "... can't stop now, I travelled so far to change this lonely life..." I might harm many people by my behavior... If I did, please forgive me. I lost control of every single thing in my life. Previously it was so peaceful and it was flowing so quietly. And one day I wanted to change everything. I came out of the shadow and stared at the sun. So many people saw me. I didn't wanted to be seen. I just wanted to try how it is like to live like the others... Normal creatures. And then whole world turned against me. It attacked me and prevented my return to the shadow. Now I'm stuck here, in daylight and I can't return to my inner, deep and dark world.

PS.: when you're lying at bed in hospital so many thoughts came into your mind...

Christmas time

2005-12-21T22:51:00.000+01:00

The best time of the year is coming... I'll probably spent it alone in the hospital. If I want to life I have to. If I had a family I would do anything to spent some time with them... But I haven't so I got to be alone.

Best Christmas wishes for everyone!

2005-12-16T22:52:00.000+01:00

I have a hidden heart-failure... My auricles are not shaped as they should be and heart-beat is arythmical. I should be at medical protection 24/7. Why life goes with so much suffering?

2005-12-07T08:23:00.000+01:00

I am having some major difficulties with my health... I must take care of myself.

Please wait for my return...

Progress

2005-11-11T20:24:00.000+01:00

One section is now closed... I won't return there anymore. Now I need to deal with few people to forget and forgive.

They made me feel broken...

I won't feel better until they will stop trying to harm me. I'm fed up with this...

End was near

2005-11-05T12:25:00.000+01:00

Some time ago I decided to close or abandon this site. Some bunch of people made me feel like a toy in their hands. I was nothing more than a toy used to entertain others. Now it does not matter who and when... I need to make some changes in this site and close one section.
Weblog will be continued.

My mistakes

2005-10-29T22:06:00.000+02:00

I made many mistakes... If I harmed anyone, please forgive me. I did not mean to.

I thought that I don't need any friends... Anyone... I was a fool... Everyone needs someone. We all need support, friends and love. Even I. Yes, I am different... Unlike others... But thease things are elemental.

Now I am in terrible mood. I need some time to fix my mistakes and heal the wounds that I made. Not to myself but to others.

2005-10-22T08:56:00.000+02:00

I was (am) a fool... I wanted to destroy this site. Why? Because I had enough. What? I do not know. Maybe I was in need of break?

Please forgive me... I will continue writting my blog... But it will be written less frequently. I need time to think...

Forgive me again